You wanted more.
More performance.
More ownership.
More buy-in.
Instead you feel friction.
You repeat yourself.
You clarify again.
You raise the bar.
And still –
they don’t respond the way you hoped.
Frustration creeps in.
Disillusionment follows.
Before you tighten control, pause.
Because the research suggests something uncomfortable:
Standards without connection don’t elevate performance – they trigger resistance.
Disengagement Is Often Relational, Not Capability
Amy Edmondson, whose research on psychological safety is widely cited in organisational performance studies, found that high-performing teams aren’t defined by fewer mistakes.
They’re defined by candour – what people are willing to say out loud.
“The highest-performing teams are not the ones that make the fewest mistakes. They are the ones that feel safe to speak up about them.”
When people don’t respond:
- It may not be that they don’t care.
- It may be that they don’t feel safe to say they’re struggling.
- Or safe to disagree.
- Or safe to fail in front of you.
High expectations without relational safety can feel like constant evaluation.
And constant evaluation triggers defensiveness.
Motivation Requires Connection
Self-Determination Theory, developed by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, identifies three core drivers of sustainable motivation:
- Autonomy
- Competence
- Relatedness
That third one matters more than most leaders realise.
Relatedness.
The sense that:
“I matter here.”
“My leader understands me.”
“I’m not just a number.”
When that drops, compliance may remain.
Engagement disappears.
Leaders Set the Emotional Climate
Daniel Goleman describes leaders as emotional thermostats.
“Leaders are the emotional thermostats of their organizations.”
Research in emotional contagion suggests teams unconsciously mirror the emotional tone of leaders.
If frustration is rising –
initiative often falls.
Not because people are weak.
But because the brain shifts into threat-detection mode.
High standards delivered through tension feel like danger.
High standards delivered through connection feel like belief.
The Discipline of Presence
Many leaders think connection requires more time.
Research suggests it requires more presence.
Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as:
“Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”
I like that.
Presence means:
Not checking your phone mid-conversation.
Not mentally rehearsing your reply.
Not evaluating while someone is speaking.
Just being there.
Daniel Goleman writes:
“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.”
When leaders are distracted, teams feel it.
When leaders are fully present, teams feel that too.
Presence communicates:
“You matter.”
“I’m listening.”
“You’re not an interruption.”
And often, what a frustrated team is responding to is not the expectation.
It’s the sense that they are being managed – not seen.
“But I Have a Big Team…”
You can’t connect deeply with everyone every week.
You don’t have the time.
You don’t have the margin.
And you don’t need to.
Connection is not about volume.
It’s about consistency.
Leadership research – particularly Leader-Member Exchange theory – suggests that perceived quality and fairness of interaction matter more than frequency.
People don’t need constant access.
They need predictable access.
They need to know they won’t stay invisible for long.
In large teams, connection scales through structure:
Rotational one-on-ones.
Small group sessions.
Intentional floor presence.
Short, undivided conversations.
Five minutes of full attention
beats thirty minutes of distracted availability.
And here’s the harder truth.
If multiple people “don’t get it,”
it’s unlikely that everyone is the problem.
When frustration rises, the story becomes:
“They don’t care.”
“They’re not wired like me.”
“They lack hunger.”
But if the pattern is widespread,
the variable may not be them.
It may be clarity.
Tone.
Emotional climate.
Unspoken assumptions.
This is not self-blame.
It’s leadership maturity.
Because in big teams, whatever you model scales.
Presence scales.
Belief scales.
Distance scales.
You don’t need to be everywhere.
But you cannot afford to be distant.
A Lesson in Presence
One of my most treasured mentors, Geoff Culley, has been in real estate for 40-plus years – a true statesman of the industry.
Solid.
Imposing.
Seen every market cycle.
But the thing that always stood out wasn’t strategy.
It was a habit.
Same time.
Every day.
He walks the floor.
No matter what’s going on.
Deal collapsing.
Pressure building.
Phones lighting up.
He still walks.
He notices who’s quieter than usual.
Who looks sharp.
Who’s off rhythm.
Who just won a listing but hasn’t said it yet.
And he remembers.
Names.
Details.
Conversations from months… even years ago.
No announcement.
No speech.
Just consistency.
Over time, that rhythm built something bigger than authority.
It built trust.
People felt seen.
And when people feel seen,
they respond differently to standards.
Connection isn’t built in crisis.
It’s built in rhythm.
If your team “doesn’t get it,”
don’t assume defiance.
Audit distance.
Because standards don’t fail in silence.
Connection does.
And when connection rises,
performance usually follows.